


Scars To Your Beautiful

by Evelyn_Harrison



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Trauma, Emotional wounds, Emotional/Physical Scar AU, F/F, Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Physical Wounds, Romance, Scars and Wounds, childhood best friends au, for the DEH Big Bang!!! :D, tw physical harm, tw self harm mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-13 05:58:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18026048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evelyn_Harrison/pseuds/Evelyn_Harrison
Summary: Throughout your life, you develop scars that form on your arms, legs, everywhere you could think of, with each and every traumatic or painful experience. Some wounds would close quickly after they are opened, becoming a faint scar and hidden away. Other scars would stay open once they are formed, red and bold for everyone to see. Scars can overlap one another, a few of them easily forgotten while others can’t be covered.Evan has never seen so many scars on Connor’s arms before. What happened in those three years of them being apart?———“All of my hope was pinned on Connor, who I used to know and who used to know me... I don’t know if he would even accept me, anyways, I’m still so broken and bruised. But I can’t compare my scars to his, cause he’s the most broken boy I’ve ever met.”





	Scars To Your Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> For the DEH Big Bang!! Hope everyone enjoys reading! <333

Evan’s first major scar first appeared on Evan’s right shoulder when he was seven. His dad was in a U-Haul truck in the driveway, taking cardboard boxes from the house and into the truck. His mom stood beside him during that February day, holding his hand as they watched Evan’s father put the last box into the truck. His dad turned around to Evan, patting Evan’s shoulder and giving Evan a small smile. _“I’ll see you around, bud.”_ He had said to Evan, before sparing a glance to his ex-wife.

Evan watches as his dad get into the U-Haul truck, and waved goodbye as the truck pulled out of the driveway and drove down the road.

The U-Haul truck never came back.

Later that night, when his mom was tucking him into his Marvel themed bed, he felt a slight burn on his shoulders. As his mom kissed his forehead, he had reached out and grabbed her arm.

 _“Is there another truck coming to our driveway? A truck that would take mommy away?”_ The burn was getting hotter, and Evan felt like everything was tearing apart. Like he was tearing apart.

His mom shook her head slowly, placing her hand to where the burn and his shoulder hurt the most. Instantly, it seemed to simmer down. _“No, Ev, no truck is going to take me away.”_

The scar is faded now. Yet it’s still large and visible if Evan has his shoulders exposed. He hope that it would go away. It still burns like the first time, but usually only on that February day. He knows that it would never go away.

———

Evan’s second scar was a few months later, when a substitute teacher harshly grabbed on his chin and told him to shut up. Evan was a talkative boy before, but this small event hit him like a blow in the chest. A slightly red scar is where the teacher gripped onto his chin. It still burns, but a light annoying feeling rather than a tearing feeling.

However, he did meet a boy. He was the one who threw a printer at the same substitute teacher, Ms.G, because she didn’t let him be the line leader that day. That boy was known to have some sort of social or communication skills problem, and no one really played with him at recess.

He was also the boy who defended Evan against Ms.G and told the other staff how Ms.G was a bad teacher. He also helped Evan when some of the kids would bully Evan for not to talking to them.

 _“I’m Connor,”_ the boy first said to him, showing Evan a toothy smile. _“And I always wanted to tell you that you have a really pretty smile.”_

Connor had a lot of little nicks and tiny cuts everywhere on his body, and sometimes on his face. Usually, they’d fade away within a few days, but some scars did not. The most noticeable one was on Connor’s left inner forearm. It was the largest and most painful one.

 _“Doesn’t it hurt?”_ Evan had asked one day, the two of them sitting side by side, their backs leaning against the large oak tree in the middle of the elementary field.

 _“It does. I got it when I was seven. My sister Zoe and I were playing the apple orchard, and I accidentally pushed her off of a tree branch that we were clinging to. She tried grabbing onto my arm, right here, but she fell.”_ Connor didn’t elaborate after that, and Evan didn’t want to push Connor anymore.

They ended up sitting together in silence, with Evan curled up into a ball while Connor nearly look up the majority of the space beneath them.

 _“I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t mean to.”_ Connor had whispered, and Evan wished that these kind of hurtful internal and external scars didn’t exist.

———

He was twelve when his third major scar, a clear long line of red and white carved itself into Evan’s knee. He was pushed by a few kids at the park near his house, at it left a mark there. Knowing that his mom would be late, Evan walks home by himself on that surprisingly chilly summer day, and he avoided telling anyone about it. When his mom came home, Evan found himself lying and that he was alright. Even if he were to tell the truth, no one would care about the scar on his leg.

Putting a bandage on it, Heidi gently tapped the spot where the scar would soon be. During that night, and immense sharp pain erupted through Evan’s body, with the pain mostly concentrated at where the scar was. It grew bigger, and became fully red and inflamed.

He hasn’t felt this much pain in such a long time. He hoped that it wouldn't happen ever again, either.

———

The fourth scar was when Evan was fourteen, and that long white line that wrapped around his left wrist is something Evan doesn’t like to see. He had learned that Connor and Zoe and the Murphy family was moving from New Jersey to Ohio without telling Evan why.

On the last day of the Murphy’s staying in New Jersey, Evan had only a few hours left to be with Connor, his best friend of almost six years. They hung out at the apple orchard, and it was when Connor held onto Evan’s wrist and didn’t let go. They ran across the yellow fields, pass the small shallow creek, and up to their favourite tree.

 _“This is it. My last day here,”_ Connor had said, voice slightly lighter than usual. _“My last day with you.”_

It scared Evan; to realize that the only person who truly understood him would leave him for forever. Than after Connor leaves, he’ll truly be alone again.

 _“Even if we Skype or call or text… I’ll still miss you.”_ Connor rambled on for a but more, with them laying on the soft lush grass, staring up at the bright blue sky that was filled with light clouds.

Two friends on a perfect day.

 _“Yeah… if only I knew why you have to leave.”_ Evan remembers himself say, and he felt his and sadness despair weigh heavily on his chest.

 _“My dad has a job.”_ Connor replied, the same excuse that he has said countless of times.

 _“If you say so.”_ Evan knew that Connor was lying. There was something more to it, to everything. But he pushed it aside, and let the conversation pass.

As it was nearing dusk, the soft and calming silence between them had burst, with Connor whispering, _“There is no place I rather be.”_

With a heartbeat skip or two, Evan looks to where his hands where. He had noticed that Connor’s hands were moving closer, and he did what he felt was right, what was okay.

Holding hands, Evan sighed and closed his eyes.

_“Me too.”_

If only perfect moments could’ve lasted for them.

———

Three years later, in Evan’s last year of high school, he swore he saw Connor pass him in the hallways. A version of Connor that Evan imagined off, a version of Connor who was just an older replica of the fourteen year old Connor, Evan’s Connor.

He expected to see that same toothy grin, the same abundance of floofy dark brown hair and those captivating icy blue eyes. He expected to see the same amount of somewhat chaotic energy radiating from Connor.

But seeing him again, with a dull expression and lifeless, empty eyes, a flame that was ready burn out at any second for any reason.

“C-Connor?” Evan said, trying to form words but it sounded like a choked cough.

“Murphy! Loving the hair, very school shooter chic!” Jared, Evan’s family friend but not real friend, called out, voice dripping with sarcasm.

The Connor that Evan knew would’ve looked back for a second, before ignoring said insult. This Connor did the exact opposite. He immediately stopped in his tracks, pausing for a few seconds before turning around to give Jared a death glare, a stone hard mask present perfectly on his face. Connor’s voice was heavier and deeper than what Evan could possibly imagine. It sounded like it had a bunch of anger, hatred, bitterness in it, with vulnerability hidden deep inside, not the easy going and chill voice like before.

Instantly, Jared shuts the hell up and awkwardly stares at this Connor, and Connor narrowed his eyes. “It’s just a joke.” Jared shrugs, and Evan notices this fake confidence and anxiety in Jared’s posture and voice.

“Oh, just a joke, I see. Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” Connor asks, voice demanding and harsh. He starts stomping towards Jared, his black boot heels clicking against the linoleum flooring.

“Ugh, God, you’re such a freak.” Jared wrinkles his nose and nearly spits out, and he leaves Evan to stand there by himself, with his ugly and pitiful blank cast exposed to the whole world, and Connor.

He’s been trying to not talk much or interrupt Jared, but now that he’s gone, maybe he could say something. But his throat is dry and Evan ends up to pick the edges of his stupid fucking cast.

Letting out some sort of nervous cough, he tries to start a conversation with Connor. He wants to ask if it’s really Connor Murphy who moved to Ohio when they were fourteen, if this boy in front of him was really the Connor Murphy who climbed multiple trees with Evan and hanged out at the now abandoned apple orchard. If it’s the same Connor that smiles and takes Evan’s breath away.

“C-Connor, it’s me, Evan—!”

“So you think I’m the fucking freak too now, huh?!” Connor says, voice suddenly hostile and heavy. Evan stumbles on his words and shakes his head, the words not coming out the way he wants them to come out.

“N-no! Connor, it’s just, just, t-that, I just—!”

“Well you’re the fucking freak!” Connor explodes, the bomb finally set and detonated, his arms extended and he pushes Evan’s chest, shoving him to a row of metal lockers.

Evan doesn’t remember much, but he remembers seeing Connor’s sudden change of expression, full of fear and realization before his head spins away. Multiple sharp objects hits Evan’s chest, piecing his heart in that familiar, unforgiving waves of pain that swallows him whole. He shuts his eyes, hoping that the pain would go away and that everything would just be a shitty dream.

Something that he could easily wake up from and forget about, something that would disappear as soon as he would reopen his eyes. He tries to believe that the Connor he saw was a fake, and the real Connor didn’t seem so hurt and broken.

Evan’s fifth scar lays on where his heart should be, an ugly dark red line that would forever make him burden to the love and lost of someone he wanted to know.

Someone he used to know.

———

It wasn’t until after lunch, where Evan tiredly typed out his therapy letter in the dark computer room. He had a spare period, and decided to print his letter out so Dr. Sherman will let him skip the next few letters after.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to be a good day and here’s why:_

_Cause today, you’re you. But would it be enough? I already have five major scars, and one of them happens to be from today. It really hurts, and I doubt that it’ll ever heal._

_Today, I also finally was reunited with my best friend of six years, Connor. I haven’t seen or been able to contact him for three years, and I miss him so much. But as it turns out, he seems to hate me. All of my hope was pinned on Connor, who I used to know and who used to know me._

_I don’t know if he ever would accept me anyways. I’m still so broken and bruised. But I can’t compare my scars to his, ‘cause he’s the most broken boy I’ve ever met._

_Sincerely, your bestest and closest friend,_

_Me_

Sighing, Evan taps the ‘print’ button and stands up to retrieve his freshly printed piece of paper. He only has to walk a few steps, with the printer at the very exit of the computer room, when he comes face to face with Connor.

Evan jumps back, letting out a quick yelp before covering his mouth with his hands. “C-C-Connor?!” _I thought you hated me, I thought you never wanted to see my face again, I thought you never wanted to think of me ever again!_

Connor gives Evan a painful look, grimly smiling. “H-hey, Evan…” He says, voice deeper than his shouting earlier. He sways back and forth in his spot a bit, picking at his chipped black nail polish.

“I just wanted to come here to apologize… for being a huge asshole earlier to you… and for disappearing for three years…”

Blinking, Evan tilts his head slightly and frowns a bit. “I-I thought you hated me though…”

Connor’s face twists slightly, and he shakes his head. “Oh, God, no Evan. Hell, I don’t hate you at all.” Connor pauses, and it seems like he was going to say something else, but he hesitates and doesn’t.

With that huge relief off of his shoulders, Evan lets out a sigh and gives a shy smile. “Thank goodness, I was scared that all of our friendship from a few years ago meant nothing to you… that I didn’t mean anything to you…” He hovers his hand to where his fourth scar was, feeling that same pain the day that it appeared.

Connor makes a pained expression too, before glancing at the printed therapy letter. “This is yours, right? It has ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ on it…” Connor’s eyes skim over the letter, carefully reading it.

Evan feels a slight jolt of shock and a huge wave of anxiety wash over him as he reaches for the letter that was gripped tightly in Connor’s hands. “W-wait! Connor, it’s a therapy letter for—!”

“‘All of my hope is pinned on’… me? I’m the most broken boy you’ve ever met?” Connor’s face morphs from from confusion to anger, looking at Evan with a hurt expression on his face. “I’m the most broken one out of us two, aren’t I?!”

“No no no!! Connor, it’s not like that, it’s not, it’s—!” Evan feels himself panic, body trembling in fear and he wishes that he would of printed the letter at home instead, or in the morning; any other time.

“Then what is it like, Evan?” Connor begins to shout again, voice loud and like earlier, deafening Evan’s pleas and stutters.

“I-it’s because you have so much scars!” Evan finds himself shout back, shaking. “A-a-and that I wasn’t there for y-you when you got them!”

An eerie silence washes over them as Evan’s voice echoes in the nearly empty room. The brown haired boy’s voice instantly lowers, letting out a small, “W-what..?” All of the anger he just felt was washed away, replaced with immediate regret and guilt.

“Oh, fuck, Evan, no, it’s not your fault. Oh God, I’m so sorry, fucking hell, shit, I’m sorry for misunderstanding and shouting at you. I didn’t mean, I didn’t—!” Connor stumbles on his words, heart racing and he’s terrified. Both of them are.

“—I wasn’t able to help you, I wasn't able to support you and help you heal. I-I promised that I would... and... and I…” Evan lets out a strangled sob, his mind clustering with harsh and dark thoughts. Hands sweating, he shakes uncontrollably and tries to find something to ground him. _I couldn’t help him, I wasn’t good enough, I won’t ever be good enough for him, I won’t—_

Connor catches Evan before he falls to the ground, and helps him to the chair closest to them. “I didn’t mean it, I-I just jumped to conclusions and didn't hear you out. It’s not your fault and I’m so so fucking sorry.” He whisper-rambles, getting Evan to even his breathing and he tried to calm him down. Connor gently rubs Evan’s back and he holds him close, brushing the tears away.

It takes a while until Evan stops shaking and calms down, the anxiety finally simmering down and fading for now. He wipes away the other tears that Connor’s hoodie didn’t catch, and he finds the strength to stand up. “S-sorry…” He apologizes, voice still wavering.

“Evan, don’t be sorry. Don’t ever be sorry.” Connor says, handing back Evan’s letter and his face is still a bit dark, filled with his own guilt and regret. “I should be the one who’s sorry.”

The blond nods slightly, humming softly. They stand in the computer room, letting everything sink in and the awkward silence washing over them. It was also Evan who ends up breaking it by whispering, “I-it’s really you… You’re back in New Jersey… here… with me…”

Connor nods his head, letting out a small chuckle and he rigidly shoves his hands into his hoodie pockets. “Funny, right? I just… appeared here… and you’re already by my side.”

“W… with so many scars too…” Evan ends up pointing out, moving his hands up to Connor’s scarred cheeks. “What happened?”

Face turning a bit pink, Connor gently takes ahold of Evan’s left wrist, where the fourth scar lays, and tugs Evan a bit. “We can get out of here and grab a scoop at A La Mode, and I'll tell you what happened since I was gone.”

———

It was like Connor had never left.

After spending hours at the Apple Orchard after school, and then texting each other until midnight, it felt that Connor never actually left Evan. That all of the ripped patches between them had been fixed and sealed together with trust and friendship.

That all of the scars on their skin where just experiences to grow from. But also painful traumatic experiences no on asked for. As Evan thinks about it, he wishes that Connor would realize that those scars where what makes Connor… Connor. And that he was beautiful on the outside and inside. That he was loved and valued and appreciated.

_imtheartisthere: im happy 2 see u again ev_

_imtheartisthere: i missed u_

_❤️ Trees ❤️: I’m so happy to see you again as well, Con!_

_❤️ Trees ❤️: And I’ve missed you so much more!!!_

_imtheartisthere: no I missed u more_

_imtheartisthere: lov u_

Evan’s heart beasts as he reads those two words. That’s right, Evan is loved. His mom, his friends, Connor. They all love him. He’s not sure if it’s just a friend/family platonic unconditional thing, but whatever ‘love’ that he feels inside, he hopes that it’s the same ‘love’ that they feel for him

_❤️ Trees ❤️: I love you too <33_

And he means it. It just might be a different ‘love’ that what Connor thinks it is.

———

“What’s up with you? Ever since Murphy’s come around, you've been talking to Alana and I less and less. Alana has also been hanging out with the younger Murphy, and I’m 90% convinced that they’re dating now. Not that I really care…” Jared says one day nudging Evan with his elbow.

He only has three scars that are visible. One on his right elbow, one on his knee, and one at the back of his neck. The others are just tiny slashes and cuts, but it’s like nothing to Jared. Evan wishes that he has that much strength Jared has. He wishes that he can be stronger for himself and for Connor.

“O-oh? Well, he was a childhood best friend until he moved. I’ve missed him a lot, and I want to catch up with him since we’ve been separated.” Evan explains, hiding his hands away as he looks around for Connor.

Jared gives Evan a long look, before brushing it off. “I didn’t know that you had a friend.” He says, before waving goodbye and walking off.

It shouldn’t of hurt so much, that lame comment. Yet why does Evan feel a short tearing feeling at the palm of his hand when he waved back?

Was Jared really a friend? Was Connor his friend? Or were they just strangers now, were they just close acquaintances?

———

He counts his scars like how people count calories. He stands nearly naked in front of the bathroom mirror, counting and recounting each and every white, red and pink line that dances all along his body. Like brand marks that’ll never leave.

Five major scars, twenty minor scars. He doesn’t remember many of the minor ones, for they come and go as they please.

As time flies, more appear and the past ones reopen. They sting as Evan moves, reopening them are like remembering a memory that wanted to be forgotten.

Evan notes that the scar — the one on the palm of his hand — has been growing bigger and bigger, and Jared’s voice replays in his mind like a broken record. _“I didn’t know that you had a friend.”_

Was he really alone on this cruel planet? Did everyone secretly hate him? Did they pity him, laugh and talk of him behind his back? Was he wrong, was he really lying to himself the whole time? No one loved him, how could anyone love Evan? Who the hell in the right mind would love such a broken, scarred and bruised boy who didn’t even love himself?

Salty tears dripped from his eyes faster than Evan realizes it, and he furiously wipes them away. Taking a shower, the scalding hot water burns on his red skin, the water stinging and seeping into his cuts. He doesn’t do anything about it, but lets the pain stay there.

He deserves it, doesn’t he? To get all of these imperfections on him. He thinks of Alana Beck and Zoe Murphy. They look nearly flawless. No visible scars, no painful or helpless looks. He wishes to be like them, he wishes that he would be able to endure all of his pain of self hatred and self deprecation. He wishes he could let go of the tree branch again, let himself fall deeper and deeper into the void so that he could close his eyes once more.

To never be this hurt, in this much pain, ever again. Maybe he was wrong; Connor isn’t the most broken boy he’s ever met. Evan was the one who gave himself all of these scars.

———

“What the hell, where have you been lately?” Jared confronts Evan again during their lunch break, and Evan absolutely doesn’t want to talk to Jared yet of everyone he could possibly talk to. It wasn’t like anyone would willingly want to talk to Evan, though.

“I’ve… ummm… been in the library to study for midterms.” _Avoiding, I've been trying to avoid you and Connor._

Jared snorts, but doesn’t push any further. “Whatever you say, dude.” He doesn’t stay for much longer, and leaves Evan to sit by himself in the cafeteria to hang out with the other kids at different tables.

Evan sighs in relief, at least more relaxed with Jared not hanging around with him. He doesn’t notice Connor, though, as the brown haired boy takes a seat on the other side of the table.

“Ev, I haven’t seen you around often.” Connor says, taking off his bag and resting it on the chair beside him. “You don’t seem well, what happened?”

Twisting the hem of his shirt, Evan shrugs but doesn’t really elaborate or say anything. What can he say, with all of these scars on his body? “N-nothing…”

Connor gives Evan a long and calculated look, as if he was trying to read Evan’s mind. “You know you can tell me anything, right? We’re friends. Good friends if you wanna call it that. Maybe even best friends, but I don’t know if we are back there yet...”

Maybe Evan just needed that reassurance, maybe it was just that little bit of light Connor gave him that Evan needed to see again. That burden on his shoulders were being lifted, the dark clouds were parting.

Reaching out his hand, Connor brushes a few strands of hair out of Evan’s face, a small smile on his face. It was breaktaking, and Evan’s heart skipped a few breaths, his face flushing.

“Y-yeah, friends.” Evan repeats, and he feels okay for now.

Connor’s hands still linger for a few moments before pulling away. Evan notices a series of red scars that hid behind those various bracelets along his wrists and arms and the thick black hoodie, and realizes that they’re new. It might be as if Evan could feel those scars too. But before he could say anything about it, Conor puts his hand into his hoodie pockets and leans back into his chair. “Hey, do you wanna hang out at the apple orchard again after school? If your mom is okay with it.”

 _I wanna talk about your scars. What happened, Connor?_ “Yeah, I’m sure my mom wouldn’t mind, she was pleased to hear that you came back from New Jersey.” Evan says, and he quickly texts his mom to tell her that he was going to out for a while. He thinks about how Connor’s scar seems to appear and reappear, rather than disappear. It’s just like Evan’s, almost exactly like Evan’s.

“Great, I’m sure my parents won’t care that much, and if anything, I’ll tell Zoe if something happens. But she might be busy, lately her and Alana have been hanging out more and more and their PDA has been getting grosser and grosser.” Connor says, but Evan feels that he doesn’t mean it.

Years ago, Connor and Zoe were still okay and close. Sure, they’d argue and what not, but it was between brother and sister. But with both of then coming back, their interactions and presence around each other were… different. It was like a light switch that was turned off.

He wonders why Zoe has so little visible scars but Connor has so much. Why were they polar opposites? Was there more of this, was there something else missing that Connor didn’t tell Evan; that Evan couldn’t quite see?

The bell rings, making Evan snap out of his thoughts. Connor gets up first, followed by Evan. “I guess I’ll text you when I get out of class? Meet up at your locker?” He asks, and Evan nods his head.

Connor gives Evan this almost sad smile before he walks out of the cafeteria first, and Evan wonders what it could possibly mean.

What was Connor hiding? Why did he wanna hang out today, specifically? What did that smile mean?

———

“Hey,” Connor says, getting Evan’s attention as class finally ends. Connor is leaning against the lockers near Evans and he’s all ready to go. “How was class?”

Evan notices that Connor is a bit more bouncy and upbeat than usual. “It was alright, nothing much happened.” He says, but honestly, he was thinking about what happened at lunch.

Packing his bag, the two of them walked out of school property and headed to the orchard that was around a two hour walk away. Their conversations for the most part, was casual and calm; how things should be.

Feeling relaxed, Evan tries to push away his own thoughts of himself and Connor. He tires to focus on whatever they happen to be talking about. Small steps, small and careful steps to his goal.

“Wait, do you want to grab a scoop at A La Mode?” Connor asks suddenly during their walk, and Evan realizes that they stand a few feet away from the ice cream parlour that they loved going to as kids. “Come on, I’ll pay.”

“N-no, you don’t have to!” Evan opens up his bag and searches for his wallet. “I can pay, Connor, seriously!”

“My treat, Ev!” Connor insists, holding his 10 dollar bill in the air and waving it around. He gives Evan and almost puppyish look, and Evan finally caves in.

“O-okay… just this once…” Evan pouts, and Connor cheers. Entering, Evan tells Connor to “Just get whatever,” and watches as the brown haired boy goes to the counter while Evan takes a seat at one of the seats nearby the window.

 _Why did he get those scars? What did he do to deserve so many of them?_ Evan thinks about himself, and how he got all of his scars. They were all from other people, but never from himself. He this of how broken and imperfect he is compared to those normal seventeen year olds.

 _No, no, no! Stop it! You and Connor are different. Stop thinking in such a pessimistic and negative manner, dammit!_ Evan scolds at himself in his head, and Connor finally comes back with their ice creams.

“Yours, the simple vanilla-chocolate-strawberry combo with no extra toppings. And mine, cookies and cream with chocolate drizzle, sprinkles and whipped cream.” Connor says, holding out Evan’s ice cream to him.

Evan is remotely surprised that Connor remembers what Evan’s usual order was from all of those years ago. He’s also surprised that Connor didn’t get anything too chaotic this time.

They head out of the ice cream parlour and walk the rest of the way to the apple orchard. It takes another hour for them, going the scenic route, before arriving. With their ice creams already finished, the two of them proceed to trespass into the abandoned apple orchard. Connor climbs over the fence while Evan finds a convenient Evan-sized hole to go through, and they continue to walk along the dirt path.

It’s been awhile since the two of them last visited the orchard, and the amount of apples everywhere was outstanding. Long grass, tall and bold trees, apples and leaves on the ground. A soft and aesthetically pleasing view.

Arriving to the open landscape filled with green evergreen trees in the distance, the yellow field opens up to them. They find their usual spot in the field, the green patch of grass that is up on a slight hill, before they take a seat down.

“It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?” Connor says, closing his eyes and letting the cold breeze flow through his unkempt hair. “It’s so relaxing; I haven’t felt like this in such a long time.”

Evan closes his eyes too, breathing in deeply and leans back to lay on the ground. Connor follows suit, and the two of them are silent for a few moments.

“Hey, what do you want to do after high school and college?” Connor starts, opening his eyes and looking over to Evan.

Opening his eyes, Evan stares up to the bright blue sky. Biting his lips, he thinks for sometime. “Bike the Appalachian Trail, maybe? O-or write a book or learn to sail. Wouldn’t that be cool?”

Connor nods his head, grinning at Evan’s suggested ‘things to do after we get out of school.’ “Nah, we gotta be more chill.” He says, before snorting.

Letting out a giggle, Evan smiles. “Did you just—?”

“Yup.”

Evan nods his head, before grinning a bit and saying, “Well, that was iKONic.”

“No. Not that KBOP shit Zoe plays.” Connor warns, but there is no violence or threat in his voice and both of them burst out laughing.

“KPOP, Connor.” Evan corrects, but he tries to cover his giggles with his hands.

“Whatever.”

Soon, the moment ends and they get up to continue to walk to their tree, the tallest tree in the apple orchard. Connor stands up first, winking at Evan before shouting, “First one there wins!” before sprinting to the tree.

“Ah, Connor!” Evan yelps, scramming off of the ground and running after Connor, whose already fifty meters ahead.

Adrenaline pumping through his veins, Evan pushes himself to run faster and catch up to Connor. The scars all over feels like they don’t exist, and that they could be okay again. It was like all of his pain and heaviness left him as he ran.

Finally, when Evan reaches their tree, his heart is accelerating and he’s panting like crazy. Beads of sweat drips from his face and he tires to wipe them off. Cheeks red, he looks up to Connor, whose slightly leaning onto the base of the tree to catch his breath.

“Wasn’t that fun?” Connor smiles, and Evan feels his heart beat faster. Cheeks flushing now, the blond lowers his head and stares to the ground.

 _What was that?_ “Y-yeah, sure was!”

Both of them sit back down, leaning against the tree and regulating their uneven breaths. Connor stares at Evan’s cast, while Evan looks up at the thick branches and leaves.

“Ev… how did you break your arm?” Connor asks, his voice slow and careful. He leans a bit closer, bit they’re already a few feet apart.

“O-oh… yeah… my cast…” Evan suddenly feels exposed and self conscious about everything around him. The cast feels heavy and he proceeds to pick at it so he can distract himself. He tries to collect his thoughts and memories of what really happened a few months ago. “It’s, uh, a long story. I’ll just make it a bit shorter, okay?”

Nodding expectantly, the brown haired boy leans his head against the bark and closes his eyes once more, waiting for Evan to talk. “Take your time, we got all day.”

Swallowing, Evan clenches and unclenches his sweaty palms. “Can you promise me that you will tell me why you asked to hang out with me today, of all days?” He says, voice a bit shaky.

There’s a long silence, but Connor finally gives a straightforward answer. “Yeah.”

Nodding again, Evan folds his legs to his chest and presses them together, where his fifth scar is. “Okay…”

_Breath, Evan… you can do this. This is Connor, you’re best friend. He understands you better than anyone else._

“... I work part time at the Ellison State Park for this summer as a ranger. I make sure that the trees are okay, and that there's no litter and such.” The memory of it is fresh in his mind, too sharp and almost too real. “I was alone for a long time, and things started to get bad. My anxiety would continuously make my life harder, my scars would hurt more and more. I had no one to trust anymore. I didn’t have anyone to reach out too.”

“Not even your mom?” Connor interrupts, but apologizes and lets Evan to continue on.

“No, not my mom. I didn’t want to be a burden to her either.” Shaking his head, Evan stares straight out to the field, a sea of yellow and some green. “Anyways, I decided to that I wanted to climb a fourty feet tree to watch the sunset and get closer to the sky; like I could be flying… So I climb and climb until I was at the very top.”

_But why, why did you really climb it?_

“As I started out at the beautiful, melancholic sky… the tree branch gave under me… and I… I fell…”

Something burns and hurts, like a knife slicing through his skin again. The same demos are laughing and mocking him; he can't even take his own life properly, how pathetic was that?

Sighing, Evan shifts his weight to the other side, and notices that Connor has slid much closer to him, only a small gap separating them. The brown haired boy gives him a long, sad look before his voice drops, low and husky, barely above a whisper.

“Did you fall, Evan? Or did you let go?”

The answer was obvious: Evan let go.

“I fell.” Evan repeated, and the lie comes out incredibly hard to say. He doesn’t look at Connor while saying it. He can’t bare to look at him in the eyes, because he can’t let Connor see that side of him. That side he still never wants to show Connor. “Okay, you’re turn.”

Connor’s mouth is in a straight line, but he doesn’t push Evan any further. Folding his legs criss-crossed, he lets his hands rest on his laps and hunches over a bit. “Well… I’ve been meaning to tell you a lot of things…” He hesitates, folding his hands together. He sighs. Breathes in, and sighs again.

“When I was fourteen, I realized a three things. One, I figured out that my personality is actually shaped because of my bipolar disorder and depression. I needed to get proper medical care and therapy for that, and my parents were surprisingly supportive about it. I mean, they did care or notice that something was wrong with me, but it wasn’t much else. We had to go to Ohio; all four of us, because some mental illnesses runs in our family, so that we can recover properly.

“But as we grew older, I realized that money wouldn’t be able to fix it so easily. So I started to rebel and spiral a bit, knowing that nothing would be able to help me and that I was broken. Zoe was especially affected by everything. When I get into those episodes, time and time again, she would be the one who would be affected the most. In her eyes, now, I’m a monster.”

Connor’s hands tightened, his knuckles white and he grits his teeth. _He’s not mad at his parents or Zoe,_ Evan notes, _he’s mad at himself._

“The second thing is that I came out to my parents when I was sixteen. My parents couldn’t handle that, though. The fact that their son was gay, and that Zoe was pansexual. They thought it would be a good idea to throw us into a Christian school, but they didn’t really think that shit through. The school I went to was an all boys school, and it was actually really laughable. I ended up dating a guy when I attended that school, and I ended up getting over someone I really liked for someone else.”

Evan’s heart drops when he hears the latter part of Connor’s words. He doesn’t know why though, Connor as just dating some guy, it’s not like he’s heartbroken or jealous.

“His name was Miguel. I… I thought we had something, you know? I thought that he liked me for being me, for not caring about my scars or my mental disorders or that I was so fucking gay. I thought… that he could be the one.” Connor’s voice trailed off, small and melancholic. Vulnerable and clearly hurt.

“Oh… Connor… I’m so sorry…” What else could he say?

Reaching out, Evan places his hands onto Connor’s, trying to smile. “It’s okay, I’m here. You have me.”

The brown haired boy is silent for a bit. “Yeah… it’s fine…” Another long sigh. “But anyways, we broke up around a few months ago, and my family moved back to New Jersey.”

With Connor’s free hand, he plays with the edges of his hoodie, moving on from that conversation. “I had gotten over fifty scars of all sizes on me, and all of them never disappear. Like here, on my forearms, or this one.” He lifts his hand from Evan’s to show the palm of his left hand, and a long thick white line nearly covering his whole palm lays. He then lowers his hand back so that his hand rests on Evan’s.

“I got this on the day I left New Jersey. I had held onto your wrist as we ran through the field, and I was thinking that it would be the last happy memory I would get.” He leans his head against the bark again, and Evan feels Connor’s pain and hopelessness. It’s sharp and it could be like they were sinking.

“But then… I came back and I’m here with you. And you, Ev, you’ve helped me so much. More than what Miguel or my parents could’ve done.” His words turn gentle and true sounding. Connor moves a bit so that he can interlace his hands with Evan’s.

“With you here… with you in my mind… you’re what made me keep going. To keep on living another day.”

Evan’s wrist almost burns, but this time it’s like a warm heavy blanket draped over his wrist. A soft light burn, but that’s not even the right word to describe it. It’s not supposed to hurt anymore, and it could be like it was healing.

“I… wasn’t going to say this, but this is the third thing,” Connor lowers his head and lets out a soft chuckle, his hair falling in front of his face. “You were the one I was trying to get over once I moved… but you were the one that I didn’t actually get over once I came back… I like you, Ev.” Connor murmurs, face lightly dusted with pink and Evan feels his heart race, cheeks blush and body heat up.

“W-wh-what? Y-you—?” Evan stammers, shocked and surprised, but he doesn’t pull his hands away. “Why, why like me?”

Connor looks at his scars on his arms, pulling his sleeves up to reveal the deeper scars that overlapped the other ones. “Because you’re you, and that you are enough. You’ve always accepted and supported me, you helped me get through the hardest things even if you weren’t there.

“You showed me a path of light for me to follow when all I could see was darkness. You’ve accepted me for being me, something Miguel couldn’t quite do. When I see you smile, when we laugh and talk casually, my heart always races and I feel so nervous and I don’t want to fuck up anything. Even if we’re just best friends, I’m still so happy to be by your side.” Connor turns his body to fully face Evan, lifting their interlaced hands up, and using his other hand to caress Evan’s scarred red cheeks.

“To be honest, I like you, I like you a lot.”

Evan doesn’t know what to do, what to say. His heart beats at a million miles per hour, he’s shaking and his mind is filled with too many thoughts. He’s nervous and anxious and yet so hay and relieved for some reason. He doesn’t know why his heart feels like it’s about to explode, or why his stomach is full of butterflies.

“I-I, uh, I’m, er, ah…” Evan stutters, trying to think of something to say. Well, he can’t lie anymore about anything. He might as well tell the truth to Connor, whose told him everything. “Earlier… I lied… I-I let go… During the summer, I let go of the branch because I just wanted to end it all.”

Connor’s face morphs into shock and sadness. His eyes tell it all. “Why…?”

“B-because… because no one was there for me when I needed someone… my anxiety and depression told me that I was better off dead and I was so tired of everything… so I…. so I… tried to…” Evan finds the salty tears well up at the corner or his eyes, and yet when he closes his eyes and leans into Connor’s hand, he’s so happy that he didn’t die. That his attempt didn’t follow suit.

“I was going to try again… during the first week of school… but you suddenly appeared… and you gave me… hope. You gave me light.”

Connor was Evan’s light when there was darkness. When the storm kept going on, the light in the horizon was Connor, who knew Evan and who Evan knew. All of his hope was pinned on Connor to reach out, and he did.

“You saved me too, Connor. And… I-I don’t know if we feel the same but… I think… I think I like you too.” Evan breathes out, and suddenly everything in his heart makes sense. That tingly feeling in his ribs, his happiness to see Connor everyday, just thinking about Connor made him feel so special and okay.

Evan did like Connor. A lot, too.

“Really?” Connor asks, and he’s in disbelief but smiling like an idiot.

“R-really.” Evan bits his lips so he can stop chattering his teeth. “I mean… I just figured my feelings out for you right now… so you have to give me time…”

The brown haired boy’s smile grows, and he pulls Evan into a warm and big hug. “Take all the time you need. I’ll still be here for you.”

With arms wrapped around his waist, Evan feels a wave upon waves of emotions. Comfort, care, relief, happiness, hope, approval, and okayness. He feels okay for once.

Evan moves his hands so that he can wrap them around Connor’s neck, burying his wet face into Connor’s soft hoodie. “Scars or no scars, you still mean the world to me. Friends or more than that.” He murmurs.

As he says that, Evan’s fifth scar starts to feel the same as wrist. It’s not painful either, but rather cool. It stings for a split second, but Evan feels it starting to heal. He feels it starting to close and disappear, leaving just a faint mark behind.

A mark he hopes that’ll never come back, and that Connor won’t be the one who makes it reopen and even more painful.

Finally, both of them pull out of the hug. Evan’s giddiness simmers down, and he realizes that the sun is setting. Connor notices it as well, and he suggests that they start going back home.

Getting up, Evan also notices that some of Connor’s scars have healed too. Maybe ten or more of them are gone, and there aren’t so many thick nicks here and there. “Your scars… some of them are gone…”

Looking down, Connor rolls his sleeves up further. “Yeah… a lot of them are gone…” He smiles while looking at them, then up at Evan. “You helped me heal them.”

On Connor’s palm, the large white scar also starts to fade, and only leaves a small white line in the middle. He reaches out his scarred hand to Evan’s, and Evan reaches out to hold on, and the two of them walk out of the apple orchard as the sun finally sets.

Their voices are quiet and soft, and Evan feels okay. He feels okay and he’s sure that it’ll last for a long time. Leaving the orchard, hand in hand, they leave the place where old scars become replaced with nothing. Nothing but happy and healing memories.

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you couldn’t tell, I’m such a huge fan of childhood best friends AUs, especially if the love interest has been head over heels in love with the oblivious main character since they were young. (So weak TT TT)
> 
> Um, few things to point out: this AU (as explained in the summary) is created by me, I made up these ideas and stuff (blah blah me doing things). Scars can come and go, usually if the problem that created them is resolved. 
> 
> I also mentioned iKON in one scene, with Evan saying ‘iKONic,’ which refers to the name of the fans of the boy group. (That’s why it’s spelt iKONic and not ikonic).
> 
> (Running gag I add, with a character saying ‘KBOP’ instead of ‘KPOP’. Idk why, but it’s in this and Christmas Without You. Also, the text names for Ev/Con first appeared in Heart Control and is also in I Wish I Knew You In Real Life, if my readers noticed it.)
> 
> Thanks for reading this (and the insanely boring notes ;v) see you next time!!! (You: when?)


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